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Family Feud 

He had just sent the first four teams out, those men heading to Chulak to set up for the ‘rescue’ of SG-1. General Hammond hurried to the conference room, where the COs from five other teams were waiting. This group would be sent out to the major trading planets that had been discovered in order to give the SGC a presence ‘out there’, and spread word about a missing team.

"Gentlemen," he said, as he walked in the door. "Please be seated. This will be a short and sweet briefing, as we’re on the clock right now."

Worried glances were exchanged.

"The first thing you need to know, is that you will be going out in search of SG-1," the general announced.

"They’re missing, sir?" Major Deke Anderson gasped.

Hammond smiled. "Not exactly."

"Okay, what ‘exactly’ is going on, sir?" Major Leon Wheaton asked.

The general took a deep breath. "Have you read the mission report, regarding SG-1’s experiences in an alternate reality? When they brought back a man who looks exactly like the Goa’uld Apophis?"

Heads moved up and down.

"And you’re aware of the fact that Ba’al had created a clone of himself, we believe to use against the other System Lords?"

"I hadn’t heard about that," Major Lewinski frowned. He looked around, noted that two other COs were just as surprised at the news.

Hammond took the responses as proof that the official reports had remained unread, and that only the memos regarding certain events had been reviewed. While he preferred that the Commanding Officers were as up-to-date as possible on all intelligence available to them, at the moment that lack of knowledge was going to be an edge for the teams the men led. "It seems that Ba’al didn’t make just a clone of Casey Jackson, but also one of himself. We believe his plan was to send out the clone to attack the other System Lords. When they banded together, and destroyed the clone, Ba’al would have swept in and demanded their submission, and declared himself Supreme System Lord."

"That’s twisted," Lewinski replied.

"Very," Hammond agreed. "Well, SG-1 and SG-7," he nodded toward Major Andrews, who nodded in return, "searched for and found the real Ba’al, and the clone. They simply told Ba’al his clone was alive, and told the clone exactly what he was."

"Ba’al…the real Ba’al…wasn’t happy about the news," Andrews grinned.

"Well, neither were the System Lords who learned about this little plot, via the minor Goa’uld who witnessed Daniel and Casey Jackson being taken from the pel’tak after telling the clone he was a clone. Apparently one or more of the Jaffa who witnessed the interaction between the clone and the Jacksons was in a very talkative mood," Hammond chuckled. "Within hours of that revelation, as close as we can figure, the other System Lords were being told about the situation."

"Bet that pissed ‘em off," Colonel Thomas snickered.

"It did," Hammond confirmed. "So much so that they formed an alliance, and started moving toward a planet Ba’al has used in the past. Expectation was that both Ba’al and his clone would flee to that particular planet. Their intention was to destroy both." Faces watched him expectantly. "Two days ago, Jacob Carter contacted me. The man who SG-1 rescued has been joined with one of the Tok’ra’s most successful spies. Because of his resemblance to Apophis, he is playing the part of that Goa’uld, newly returned."

"Sounds interesting," Colonel Jim Harrison allowed.

Hammond chuckled. "It was more than interesting. There will be a full briefing report available on what happened this afternoon. Right now, I need you and your teams heading out to the trading planets that are most useful for gathering information. You will only admit that one of our teams is late for check-in, they weren’t where they were supposed to be, and you want to know where they are."

"So just where is SG-1?" Andrews asked.

"On a ship with ‘Apophis’, heading for Chulak. I just sent four teams to that planet to get settled in…they’re going in hot and will stay black…until General O’Neill to gives the word to ‘rescue’ SG-1."

"So," Lewinski said slowly, "we’re going to use the SGC reputation of hitting the universe like a sledge hammer whenever our people go missing to help keep the illusion alive."

The general leaned back in his chair and laughed. "That is a very amusing…and very apt…description, Major." The others chuckled as well. "Yes, that’s exactly what we’re going to do. We don’t know how quickly word will spread about Apophis’ return, or his capture of SG-1. We do need to make certain that we’re out there as soon as possible. There’s always a chance that someone at some trading post or slave market is already aware that ‘Apophis’ has made a return. They may or may not know that SG-1 has been ‘captured’ by Jaffa loyal to him."

"Sounds easy enough," Wheaton nodded.

"One thing…and this is vital…you and your men must appear to be absolutely shocked to learn that it’s not just a rumor that Apophis has returned," Hammond warned.

"Not going to be too difficult," Harrison replied. "None of us had a clue that this guy SG-1 brought back is out there impersonating Apophis." The colonel paused, and frowned slightly. "We don’t actually have to share that little tidbit of info with our teams."

Hammond nodded. "I’ll leave that to your discretion, Major. But if it will keep reactions as genuine as possible, I’ll permit this censorship of mission intelligence."

The COs exchanged looks, then nodded. "I don’t believe in keeping anything from my men," Wheaton said slowly. "But in this instance, not knowing one little detail is going to keep all of us on top of this situation."

"I concur fully," Hammond said quietly. "At this moment, all your men need to know is that you’re looking for SG-1. What you will tell those you speak with is that you’re looking for a missing team…only if you believe it’s necessary do you mention that the team is SG-1. By now, the SGC has been contacted by the Tok’ra with the shocking news that Apophis is alive, and has a fleet and an army. What they will…er…did…tell us, is that they don’t know whether or not he has our team. As for your men…we’ll explain everything when this is over."

"Uh…the Tok’ra contacted us, sir?"

The general smiled. "Yes, they did. We won’t quibble about the actual time of the message…or messages, nor will we concern ourselves with the actual info in said report…or reports." He watched as understanding filled the eyes of the men sitting around him.

Andrews pushed back in his chair. "Permission to get our teams geared up, sir?"

"Granted. Best time. I want you out there in fifteen minutes or less," Hammond replied. "Dismissed."

The men were quiet on the ride up to level twenty-four, where the members of their teams waited anxiously to learn why they’d been recalled during their downtime.

"I hope this doesn’t take long," Wheaton sighed. "Some of those places are real dives."

"I hear that," Harrison said. "But, on the upside, this will sorta be like looking for Doctor Jackson a few months ago. We know SG-1 is okay…we just have to let the rest of the universe know we aren’t amused when the Goa’uld screw around with our people."

Thomas snickered. "Although, it seems that whenever me and my team show up asking questions, people get real nervous."

"Yeah, like we’re going to hold them responsible or something," Wheaton grinned.

"The best part is, there’s always someone willing to spill everything they know, just as long as we go away and leave them and their customers alone," Andrews grinned in return.

Faces went intentionally blank as the men walked into the room that served as offices for team COs.

"So," Wheaton said, looking at the men of his team. "We’re heading out. SG-1 didn’t make contact on their mission. No sign of them where they’re supposed to be."

Lieutenant Richards shook his head. "That’s what I figured…one of the teams was in trouble."

"Let’s go," Anderson said. "General wants us on our way in fifteen minutes."

Exactly eleven minutes and forty-seven seconds later, five teams waited in the ‘gate room. Their part of the mission was vital in keeping the appearance of Apophis’ return, and his capture of SG-1, alive and convincing.

"Godspeed," General Hammond said quietly, watching as the last team walked through the event horizon to the planet they’d been assigned. He remained in place after the ‘gate had closed. "Keep those people out there convinced for just a little bit longer," he said quietly.

Ferretti scanned the area around the ‘gate. "Place looks the same, doesn’t it?"

Pausing on the steps that led down from the Stargate, Major Evans paused, and examined the area. "Yep."

"Weird that there isn’t a guard here," Ferretti continued.

"Yep."

"How many do you figure are out there?"

"At least five. Not more than a dozen."

Dixon, who had been one of the first men through the ‘gate, walked back to where Ferretti and Evans stood. "Somethin’ wrong?"

"Yep," Evans said, his voice low. "Don’t react. Just pretend you don’t know we’re bein’ watched."

His head moved up and down in a short nod. Dixon gave a sharp whistle…all of the men turned to look at him. "Spread out…five meter defensive stance."

The men from all four teams responded immediately.

"What’s up, Colonel?" Airman Jake Bosworth asked nervously.

"Nothin’…yet. Nyan, stick close to Wells," Dixon said, sending the archaeologist closer to a trained airman.

"Yes, sir," Nyan replied immediately. He shivered slightly. "Uh…Colonel, you do know we’re-"

"We know, Nyan," Dixon replied, cutting the young man off.

"Sure hope none of those tin men out there speak good ol’ American English," Ferretti muttered.

Evans chuckled. "Doubt it. They hadn’t learned before Apophis bit the dirt. Doubt they’ve had any contact with Tau’ri since."

"Bra’tac says the people here are loyal…but I don’t know how well organized they are at this point," Ferretti said.

Major Newsome walked slowly around the perimeter of the site…the tall stones marking the edge of the cleared area still scarred from battles that SG teams, mostly SG-1, had fought in this very spot before. He stopped long enough to light a cigarette, pretending to be relaxed. He was able to do a quick scan of the area close by. The sunlight glinted off something shiny…most probably metal…in at least three places. There had to be more on the other side.

Taking a drag of the cigarette, blowing the smoke toward the Jaffa trying to remain hidden, Newsome turned and walked to the other side of what the locals…and Daniel Jackson…called the ‘Sacred Circle of the Chappa’ai’. As he suspected, he counted four more. There didn’t seem to be anyone located in the middle, but that could simply have been a matter of those Jaffa being more carefully concealed.

Dropping the cigarette to the ground, crushing it out with the toe of his boot, he adjusted the pack on his back, then turned to face the other three COs. He scratched his nose with one hand. The other hand signaled the number of enemy soldiers he’d seen…three, then four. He leaned his head back. And then signaled zero, and crooked his finger…a question mark recognized by those watching.

Ferretti led the other two COs toward the line of waiting men. As it was, they were sitting ducks. Those Jaffa would have them down before they could get their weapons up. It was a situation that both worried him and pissed him off. Should have sent a dozen damned stun grenades through first, he grumbled to himself.

"This could get real ugly, real fast," Dixon said, his voice low.

"Yep," Ferretti acknowledged. He glanced at the men who waited anxiously. No doubt they realized they were in danger. But not one of them showed a bit of fear. In fact, they looked relaxed…confident. It might have been an act, but it was a convincing one, he chuckled mentally.

"Ya know, we could just stand here awhile," Newsome said. "Those boys out there didn’t look real comfortable."

Ferretti shook his head. "Those are Jaffa. They’re trained for this shit."

"I have an idea," Evans said. "Could buy us enough time to get into a better position."

"Let’s hear it," Dixon replied.

"Something Mrs. J said when she was out with us once. If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bullshit," Evans started.

"So what bullshit are we going to baffle ‘em with?" Ferretti asked.

Evans grinned. "Hey, Sabotti!"

"Yes, sir?"

"If we have to stand here and guard these damned rocks, I ain’t gonna do it quiet. How about some tunes?"

Tony Sabotti grinned. "So you want me to get my player out?"

"That would be very nice, Sergeant," Evans replied. "Please tell me you brought Queen along. I could sure go for a nice round of Queen."

Sergeant Tony Sabotti was a quick thinker. He had recognized the situation for what it was as soon as the officers assigned to the mission had done so. And he was remembering the same mission on which Casey Jackson had accompanied SG-6. It had been a training mission for her, and had certainly trained her to expect the unexpected. Rumor was she’d used the same ‘tactic’ with SG-1 on a mission for that team, when Jaffa had been encountered. He’d always wondered how Doctor Jackson had responded to seeing his wife stripping down to tee-shirt and panties, and dancing around, her CD player blaring. "Something along the lines of ‘We Will Rock You’?"

"Perfect," Evans grinned. God bless Tony. He’s thinking the same thing I am.

Everyone, including the Jaffa who remained in place, watched as Sabotti dropped his pack to the ground, knelt down, and dug among the contents. He brought out three small boxes.

"This will be good," Evans chuckled. "No bigger than those speakers are, they have some great bass."

Sabotti hooked the speakers to the portable player. Searched through the list of songs, which was quite impressive, found what he was looking for. Aiming the speakers outward, he looked over at his CO. "How much volume, sir?"

"As much as you can give me," Evans said.

With a nod and the press of a button, the silence was shattered by the sound drums, stomping feet, and clapping hands ripping through the air.

"And just what is this gonna get us?" Ferretti asked.

"Well, if my suspicions are correct, the Jaffa are going to be convinced that this is some new type of Tau’ri weapon. Chances are, not having actually been in a battle in a few years, they’re gonna opt to take off. One of those ‘live to fight another day’ sort of things," Evans responded.

Ferretti stared at his companion for a second, then began to laugh. "If not, we’ll at least go out to some decent music!"

Freddie Mercury’s voice began to fill the air…

Newsome, who was still standing in front of the line of men, slowly raised his weapon, finger on the trigger. Before he could take another breath, every P90 was aimed outward. The good news, he thought, the Jaffa who were watching would have to move enough to raise their staff weapons to fire. All they needed was a hint of movement, and they could fire. Hopefully before any of the Jaffa could get off a shot.

"It would’ve been real nice to have Mrs. J’s input on this little gathering," Dixon muttered.

"Sure would’ve," Ferretti agreed.

"Hey, Nyan," Dixon called, yelling in order to be heard over the music.

"Yes, sir?" Nyan responded.

"How good are you at speaking Goa’uld? I can understand it, but I can’t speak it."

"I can speak a little," Nyan acknowledged.

"Okay, why don’t you just give a yell out there," Dixon said, waving a hand toward the low bushes outside of the circle of stones, "and let them know that we’ll accept their surrender. If not, we’ll turn the volume up, and rattle their brains to mush."

Ferretti snorted. Evans nearly choked trying not to laugh out loud. Both ignored the looks of surprise on the faces of the men around them.

"Sir?" Nyan asked, not certain he’d heard correctly.

"Just do it, Nyan." Dixon ordered. He shrugged when he caught a look at Ferretti’s laughing face. "What? If we wanna play up the ‘new weapon’ idea, let’s go for broke, right?"

Not exactly sure what was going on, Nyan sighed, then stepped forward slightly. "We will accept your surrender. If you do not surrender to us, we will…" he paused and looked at Dixon. Who nodded encouraging, raising one eyebrow slightly. He’d never felt such a rush of understanding before…it seemed as if he knew exactly what Major Evans and Colonel Dixon were trying to do. Do my teammates have moments of clarity like this? Brushing aside his thoughts, he concentrated on the words he needed to say…and the insinuated truth that needed to be his focus. "We will turn up the volume…we will turn up the volume of our weapon, and rattle your brains to mush."

There was no response, although Newsome did detect slight movement to his right.

"Okay boys…ear protection in," Dixon shouted. Then mimed pulling something from his pack and placing that ‘something’ in his ears. Newsome had turned just enough to see what he was doing, and followed suit.

More than a little bewildered, but certain that the officers knew what they were doing, every team member mimicked Dixon’s and Newsome’s movements. Then resumed standing with P90s at the ready.

Evans, who had decided that just maybe this stunt could work, made a production of approaching Sabotti, and motioning that he wanted the volume turned up. Sabotti looked startled. Caught the subtle wink from his commanding officer. Had to bite back a grin when the major seemed to ‘order’ him to do so. He bent over, and turned the volume up to the highest setting. The music became slightly distorted, but the thumping of the bass continued clearly, loud enough to be felt.

Three Jaffa rocketed to their feet, tossed their staff weapons toward Newsome, then darted forward, putting their hands on their heads. The four on the right were a bit slower, but followed suit. Two who had been toward the middle rose also, moving with more haste than expected, and nearly plowed over the major in their rush to comply.

Evans put a hand on Sabotti’s shoulder, who immediately leaned over and turned the player off. Ears rang slightly in the sudden silence.

Ferretti and Dixon exchanged grins, then moved forward to help take control of their prisoners.

Evans hurried to the dialing device and began to dial the SGC.

"Nyan, tell these guys we’re sending them to our base. They won’t be hurt unless they struggle or fight us," Dixon said.

Nyan nodded, then translated what the colonel had said to the spooked Jaffa.

"SGC, this is Evans," the major reported, using his radio as soon as the wormhole had been established.

"This is the SGC," Walter’s voice echoed.

"Yeah, we’re sending some Jaffa through. They aren’t armed, but they are prisoners. Sort of. For now. I’m guessing we might be able to convince them to join the rebels."

"Major, what’s happening there?" Hammond’s voice demanded.

"The ‘gate was guarded, sir. Just not obviously. We managed to…um…get the drop on them, and took ‘em prisoner. We don’t want them to get to Chulak and let anyone know we’re here," Evans explained.

"Very well. The iris is open. Send them through," Hammond ordered.

Nine very confused Jaffa walked into the shimmering event horizon, not at all certain what would happen to them. Four SG teams watched as the ‘gate hissed closed. Then burst into laughter.

"That was the biggest line of bullshit I have ever heard," Ferretti laughed.

"But it worked," Dixon grinned.

"Sure did," Evans agreed. "Can’t wait to tell Mrs. J that her little idea worked again. Your twist on the whole damned thing…pure brilliance," he told Dixon.

Dixon’s grin went wider. "Hey, never let it be said that the Tau’ri can’t toss around bullshit as well as the Goa’uld."

Once again the men gathered near the ‘gate erupted into laughter, the sound filled with both amusement…and relief.

"Okay, let’s do a sweep and make sure there’s nobody else out there. Then we need to find a place to dig in," Ferretti said.

Within minutes the teams were moving through the brush. By nightfall, no one on Chulak would have a clue that the Tau’ri were anywhere near the planet.

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